EVEN WHEN THERE IS LITTLE LEFT TO HOLD

You can do this. You will get through this. It was probably not meant to be. Yes, you didn’t make the right choice. Stop letting pride and those voices in your head win. You matter, but this time, you did wrong. All these words and so many more have been on steady repeat for some days now. I hurt the one person that I thought mattered to me the most. And now, I’m so scared they will never forgive me or even want to hear from me anymore. It was scary. I was scared. I’m still scared.

Life has given me so many beautiful memories with this person, and even if we haven’t met, they mean everything to me. I know that doesn’t make sense to some, but it makes so much sense to me. Sometimes I wonder what I did in my past life to get such favor from God. But one thing is for certain: it hasn’t been easy. We’ve been our worst pains and best moments too. But of course, the days when we hurt each other always seem to last longer than usual. At first, I saw this as a red flag, but now I see how intentionally God has been building us to be able to withstand what is coming.

Right now, it’s safe to say we didn’t make it through these tough times together, but for some weird reason, I’m still willing to hold on even when there is little or nothing left to hold onto. I know we’ve both gotten to our thresholds, but as God would have it, I still want to make right my wrongs. The truth is, it is really tiring and discouraging, but since I let God take control and help me, He is helping us to still want to try and forgive despite our promises never to do that or we end up looking like fools. That voice was just there because what we are building together is something that most people didn’t even get halfway through.

I won’t lie, I’m tired, but I just know I won’t let my pride and unforgiving self take away something this beautiful from me. I’m ready to go through this refinement and become a better person for us than choose that part of me that will only keep running away when things get harder or uncomfortable. Truly, growth is hard and uncomfortable, and I feel this is what we are facing right now—growth. I just pray we don’t wither away from this strong erosion that just keeps getting worse. I pray we will, even in times like this, hold each other’s hands through these painful moments.

I’m willing to grow. I know it is possible for us to grow without each other, but honestly, I don’t want to do that. I have caused you so much trouble and pain because I cherish you. I wish and pray the journey will be smooth too, but it’s not going our way because we are not just building anything regular. We are building what is real, and trust me, real things are hard to come by. And even when they do, they are even harder to accept, so I’m not surprised we are going through so much now. I only just pray this doesn’t break us completely. It has broken us enough.

This came from a vulnerable part of me that I’ll usually struggle to write down, but I’m happy I did. It will be really interesting if you can relate to this if you are not the other part of me.

Thank you for reading through. 💜