Childhood Unrealistic Dreams LoH#300

When I was a child, i believed that when I grow up that everything would be different, everything would fall into place, I will have all that I need, I would have everything I wanted, I would have everything I did not have when I was a child, every time I was told no to, every moment I felt the frustration of needing something that was just out of reach , but i comforted myself with one thought, when I grow up it will be different, I just need to be patient, grow up first and then everything will fall into place.

I so much believed that with my whole chest and I know that a lot of us did too as children, there is something about being a child that we look as adulthood as the promise land, the land of milk and honey, where all kinds of imitations disappear, like you watch the adults around you and they seem to have all the access to things that they needs , they make decisions you cannot make, they go places without asking for permission, theey buy things, they move freely, and as a child you connect all of that to some kind of freedom that just automatically comes with age, like adulthood is a door and then once you walk through it , everything that you ever wanted is just sitting there waiting for you on the other side.

Nobody told me that the other side of that door is just more doors, Growing up is one of the quietest disappointments there is because it does not happen dramatically, nobody sits you down and says by the way everything you believed about this is wrong, you just start living it and slowly the reality replaces the fantasy and you realize that age was never the thing standing between you and everything you needed, life was, Circumstances were, money was, timing was, things that do not disappear just because you turned eighteen or twenty or twenty five.

I grew up and I still wanted things I could not have, I grew up and the struggle did not go anywhere, It actually got louder in some ways because now there was no childhood left to hide behind, no next stage to look forward to as the solution, This was the stage, this was the adulthood I had been waiting for and it came with its own set of things I could not reach no matter how hard I tried.

Wanting something and not being able to get it is a specific kind of pain, It does not matter how old you are when you feel it, but there is something particularly heavy about feeling it as an adult when you have already used up your one big hope that things would be easier by now.

I am not saying adulthood is all bad. It is not, there is real freedom in it and real beauty too, but the version of it I built in my head as a child that perfect, sorted, everything is fine version m that was never real, that was just a story I told myself to get through the waiting.

The waiting ended, the wanting never did.

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