The Weight I Was Too Ashamed to Name #287

I once carried a kind of resentment towards someone who hurt me for some months. It was toward someone who moved forward while I was still staying still. He is my close friend. Though we did not argue over it, we never betrayed each other, nor was it deliberate. He just moved forward while I didn't. I was just somewhere in-between. Though this happened a while ago.

This made me find something ungodly happening inside of me. And to be honest, I was unable to face it because if I had named it, the ugly thing wouldn't have stopped, and I would have admitted that I am a bad person then.

That is the type of resentment people hardly talk about, because it is always directed towards an individual who does not even have an idea that such is going on from someone they call their friend. To me, this looks more heavier than when two people resent each other because this way, only I bear the load alone. No one to apologize to, no one to confront, or anywhere to put it all. It was all on me, and I felt ashamed anytime I thought about it and realized it was still there.

Anyway, I decided to take a bigger and bolder step, even though it was very uncomfortable and small. I determined that I was going to celebrate his next win in a genuine way, which I did very loudly in front of him despite the fact that a part of me wanted to refuse back then. Not because the feeling wasn't there again but because I was ready to let go of the resentment, and I refused to keep feeding it without speaking up.

I got to realize that it is very impossible for me to show gratitude while still holding resentment. I had to let go of one to make room for the other.

Thank you for reading.

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