The Space I Stopped Giving Away #305

The very first thing I noticed was my voice getting smaller.
I was sitting in a room with some groups of people I so much respected while having a conversation on something that I had spent a couple of weeks working on. And when I finally had my turn to talk, someone laughed out and said, "Do you think you are the only one who knows everything, more than everyone else?" A couple of people also supported his voice. I just smiled alongside with them. But when I was heading home, that very moment kept on replaying in my head. I hadn't said much, but I was wondering if I had said too much, or if my idea was foolish, or maybe I should not be joining the discussion again.

And for a while, I stuck to that habit. Whenever anyone in the room speaks with more confidence than I do, automatically, I assume they were right. And anytime my efforts were pushed aside, it reduced me, and I quietly reduced its value myself. That room doesn't have to make me feel small, and the world doesn't have to, but somehow, sometimes, I helped it.

By doing something ordinary, I began to change that. I began to ask myself what I stand on and what I believe right before I speak before allowing and accepting someone else's opinion of me. I started allowing my work to remain valuable if I have worked hard for it , even when no one is applauding me for it. And when I have the room to say something, without first apologizing for having a voice, I make my voice heard.

It has not made me fearless. There are still rooms where I'm always mindful of what to say. And there are still things that I will not say in such a room, which follows me back home. But I no longer carry every opinion I meet.

And there are still moments where I see myself shrinking. And when that happens, I always tell myself that this is not who I am because I've spent a long time trying to fit inside spaces others build for me. So in moments like that, I make myself sit normally again.

Thank you for reading.

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