The Camera I Turned Off #301

There was a time I spent almost thirty minutes preparing and getting ready for a video call. I had my white t-shirt very ironed, had a new haircut, and even sprayed a little perfume, only to realize in the group chat a few minutes to the call that it would only be a voice audio call and no video call was needed. Well, I still wore my outfit like that and maintained my composure.

The small moments reflected something after the audio call that I didn't know I was carrying, whether I dress well mainly for others, especially for the video call, or for something quieter that is going on inside of me.

Right from my teenage days and the house I grew up in, we have always dressed well because my parents believed that appearance carried heavy social weight. So, you can never see me attend a wedding in ordinary clothes if a particular cloth has been assigned. Even on my bad days, the people around me can never see me looking scattered because the type of outfit I wear and how I present myself will reflect directly on my family name and even mine. So the pressureindiaunited on this is real, and at my age, I will never act as if I am above it. I always think about the type of outfit and reflect on myself before checking out of my compound; I still care what eyes at the bus stop register. Though I still wear some casual wear within the compound.

That call that day taught me something the pressure alone could never have done. During that call in my room, no one was present or on the screen to see what I was wearing, no camera, just me, and in my own skin, I still want to feel put together and well-composed and dressy. My white ironed T-shirt was just on my body and not performing for anyone, but I felt steady and organized in myself throughout the calls, decisions, and even deadlines.

And in all honesty, I feel and I want to believe that instinct lives in us, that need for approval from outside, and that period when it keeps functioning even when the outside approval disappears. And the second one that I keep working with is the version that I keep doing even when there's no one to compliment me.

Thank you for reading.

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