A solid friendship means both people are willing to accept each other for who they are, to offer thoughtful honesty in a way that allows each to grow and be supported. I’ve recently had an experience that has shown me what can happen when that principle breaks down.

Social media audio rooms can be a great way to meet and interact with people from all over the world. I've met some great people over the last year on multiple platforms and explored some fascinating subjects. Like any other forum where people come together, drama flares up. Drama that has impact on real people. Recently I was impacted by some events.

I had gotten to know a person across multiple platforms who deals with some difficult personal issues in a very open manner. I liked the person a lot and tried to be supportive.

I also knew he had a past that included some prison time. I didn't ask what i t was about. I chose to just accept him as I met him. His past also included military service. I never asked about that either. I just respected that he served.

Recently I was sent a link to an article about his past. I read it. I was a bit surprised about what had sent him to prison. But, when a person isn't well things happen. My experience was this person was working on healing. According to every report I read, his actual service was as a military clerk with one out of country deployment and hadn't been sent off base during that deployment. Good honourable service.

But, my heart sank as I read on.

He had very much misrepresented his service to others. Made claims of traumatic incidents that didn't happen, wore medals that were not his etc. That behaviour is known as stolen valour. As I read and thought about what I’d heard him share, he continued to misrepresent his service and to some extent his healing journey.

Anyone who knows me, knows I have spent a big part of my life in service to veterans and their communities. This was gut wrenching for me to learn about this person. It was a blow to the core of my being. I needed to figure out if I could find a way to be true to me and to continue to support him.

As I was coming face-to-face with this knowledge another person on the platform had an issue with my friend. I went quiet while trying to work this through. The other person went public.

A few days later my friend contacted me and suggested I might be being affected by the public person. I wasn't and I wasn’t sure I was ready for this convo but ventured into it. I told him what I was aware of the misrepresentation. That it struck at my core and had me feeling conflicted. There was an almost hour silence before he wished me well with my life. A day or two later he unfollowed me across multiple platforms. Apparently I’d been dropped from his life.

Not just from his life. I became very aware that some people I really liked were now being very cool toward me. I had no way of knowing what they had been told.

Recently I heard him talking about what had occurred. In general terms he was talking about the events and the impact on him. He talked a lot about those who showed him unconditional love and no judgment.

It dawned on me that in his mind, my speaking truth to him about how he was impacting me was for him judgment. His response told me speaking truth to him without judgement wasn't acceptable. To me, unconditional love and non-judgement doesn’t mean ignore all poor behaviour and just cheer the good stuff.

What I’ve written here is a recent and admittedly rather raw example of human behaviour. Unconditional support, love, friendship needs to be two way and able to withstand difficult truths being raised. That’s a strength of that type of relationship, being able to withstand having difficult truths raised.

It gives both parties opportunity to grow and heal in support. Both parties need to be open to doing so without being dragged into it.

Shadowspub writes on a variety of subjects as she pursues her passion for learning. She also writes on other platforms and enjoys creating books you use like journals, notebooks, coloring books etc.


NOTE: unless otherwise stated, all images are the author’s

How to Connect With ShadowsPub:

Twitter: @shadowspub
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Publishing Website: Shadows Publishing
Nicheless Website: Nicheless & Loving It
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