FINDING MY PLACE

Sometimes I ask myself, what am I so scared of? Losing people or losing myself? Most times, I dread losing people even though having them in my life doesn’t seem like the easy thing to do. I choose them but they don’t choose me and that’s a bit understandable. They are able to make their choices based on what gives them peace of mind and comfort and here I am hesitating to do the same for myself. I keep asking myself if it is the best thing to do or I’m just being scared of choosing my own peace and happiness.

I’m worried that all that I have envisioned with them will all be lost. I’m worried that I will have to start all over again with different people and different circle. Just thinking about it alone scares me but then, I don’t think that’s how real love should make me feel - anything but fear. I don’t know how long I’ll keep running back to those who don’t choose me but I hope I walk away soon before I completely lose myself.

I read something today while scrolling through a reel and I felt like it wasn’t a coincidence that I stumbled upon it. It says that staying in something that doesn’t make me happy only steals away my opportunity of finding my own happiness and something better. I guess right now, my problem is because I have built my world around these people and that’s why letting go just doesn’t feel right even when they make it clear that they don’t want me in their lives. I will walk away someday and then, I won’t look back anymore. I want to be around the people that can always choose me no matter what and people that I will always choose.

I’m not sure if I’ll find that kind of person anytime soon but I’ll be patient and keep hope alive. Like I always like to say, no one ever came into my life by chance, they came for a reason and I’m always going to be grateful to God for the impact (good or bad) they made in my life. It’s not always easy to find people who want to act like they choose you until they just can’t anymore. It takes so much for them too and I appreciate them. But moving forward, I’ll let go of people and things that don’t want me and fit my goals and I won’t be sorry about it.

I want the best for everyone and myself too. We all deserve to be happy and be loved. Letting people go doesn’t mean you never loved them or they never loved you. It only means their time in our lives is up and it’s time to let new people in. It’s hard. Sometimes it even feels impossible but hey, you can’t choose people that don’t choose you. Do you know what that does to you? It makes you lose your sense of humor, judgement and everything that makes you who you are. Once they make it clear to you that they don’t want you, that’s your clue to walk away because nothing else you do or say will change their mind. It will only make them feel even better.

I did the opposite from what I’m saying recently and in as much as I want to say I regretted it, I’m still happy I tried at least to prove what I’m suggesting now. I have and I’m learning to accept defeat while trying to strive in where I’m wanted. Or else, I’ll only keep getting cut off like an unwanted grass. I need a good space to grow and also time. I’ll put in effort to find that space. Give people chances to be in my life but also know when to let them go if needed.

Thank you for reading through. 💜