Why Can't I get a Girlfriend? And How to Sort It

Photo by Leah Kelley: https://www.pexels.com/photo/man-hugging-laughing-woman-while-standing-in-body-of-water-1449669/

In my early 20's I was always asking myself why can't I get a girlfriend? The question would always accompany statements like, "he can get a girlfriend and he looks like swamp thing!" Funny story too, some of the guys did look like swamp thing. It used to really frustrate me that some men looked as if they had been dragged through the bushes backwards but could mingle with a bunch of ladies with minimal effort and always walk away with one of them on his arm.

Then there was me, lonely Raymond that would always walk home at night all on my lonesome, out of luck, again, as usual. Why can't I get a girlfriend? Damn me.

Truth be told I never really felt as if I fit in. I was always anxious around social situations and I never really wanted the light to be shone too hard on me. I'd have rather existed in the shadows just enough for people to notice me, but no more. Too much of the spotlight shone on me would have me scuttling off to the rock from where I came.

I'm Married with a child now though, and happily. I never thought I'd get to this stage but here I am, living the dream. Truth be told I only really wanted a family and children and that was it -- the rest, like a career and such would be a bonus.

I had a fruitful journey along the way though. Learned lots of do's and don't about traversing the early stages of relationships. I also learned so much about the way women think. So much to talk about here. I'll start with a list and see if you can meet this!

Why can't I get a girlfriend? Women pick differently to you.

I laugh at guys that preen and prune themselves before going out on a night with the lads. Looking good is nice but it's definitely not a dominant factor on why women will talk to you, or even want to be near you.

Women mostly look at things like confidence, social status and job, kindness, and virtue. Is there a leader of your friend group? One guy that's always the loudest of friends whilst the rest of you look up to him? Well done, you've just now established the most datable guy of all of you. Bonus points if he's protecting in nature, stands up for you, and so on. Women love that.

You need to understand that even although we live in a modern world our biology and psychology is primed to still think like we are in survival mode a hundred thousand years ago -- which is why she's looking for a protector, because she's looking to make a family and she'll need to feel safe.

Why can't I get a girlfriend? Because you probably don't give off protector vibes.

You obviously look out for the nicest looking woman -- it's our biological need for securing a gene pool, that our children can mate and so on. You won't be able to do this unless you can demonstrate to her that you can keep her safe.

And thus is how the dating game works. She looks for a partner that can keep her safe and protect her, and you look at making good genes for your kids.

Now I know you're thinking, well, what do I do? I'm just the cling on guy that sits right at the back of the group and only listens. You've already said I have no chance. Why should I bother?

Well, you have loads of options actually, so let's read on and we'll discover more on why can't I get a girlfriend?

Dump tinder type apps and frequenting bars and pubs

You aren't going to meet anyone in these places that are looking for something serious. In my mind dating and meeting women should be in person or happen by chance.

If I remember my time in the pubs and bars it was mostly trying to find a quick fix to my humanly needs, or someone else was using me for the same. You also aren't going to find anyone wanting to give you any scholarly advice on fine dining, or to critique the new art piece in the Louvre last week in these places. Oh by all means, frequent these places if you're looking for fun. Stay away from them if you're looking for a girlfriend is what I'm saying.

Stay off tinder and anything that requires long distance communication, and if you can't, then keep it to a minimum.

I met my wife at work. Interestingly I was learning to be a teacher at the time and my wife (who was there on temp work) was helping me with my coursework because she is a teacher by trade. I had been single for 5 years by then and I had been asking myself why can't I get a girlfriend? Lots and lots.

Luckily she came along and my life was changed. But it wasn't anywhere near bars and pubs, or on tinder!

Stick to anything social that doesn't require a PC or an alcoholic drink in your hand to participate and you'll be fine.

My thinking here is that in person is true communication. It's unabashed raw honesty between two people that don't know each other. You can fake yourself online, and everyone is wildly different when drunk.

But Raymond, I'm not a social guy, wth?

You know what? I wasn't too. I used to hide under the smallest rock I could find and wish the world would swallow me up whenever I was required to do anything the least bit social. I guess you could say I had crippling social anxiety through years of feeling odd with myself.

You should work on yourself though. I recommend you take these three steps. There was more in the space of time that I changed alas these three things were pivotal on how I progressed.

Get a counsellor. I had a counsellor for at least a year that helped me talk through my mind bumf. I guess you could call what she did was getting me out of my mind and into my body -- that helped a great deal with navigating the social space.

Exposure therapy. Brutal, but it damn well worked for me. If it made me uncomfortable I just did it, and you know what? The more I did it, the easier it became, the less I was uncomfortable doing these things. Then I went onto the next thing outside my comfort zone.

Albert Brennaman - Your typical "why can't I get a girlfriend?" guy!

Less Internet more real life. It's no secret that I'm quite the internet addict. The period I took to grow and prosper was over five years. Let's just say at no point during these times did I use the internet for any longer than 10 mins at a time. It helped me trust social interactions more and learn my body language.

Do this and I'm sure it will be the first step of a new life never mind a new girlfriend.

You'll grow in confidence here too and confidence is probably the biggest tool in your arsenal when it comes to dating.

Get a hobby

All of my posts have this embedded into my writing. I can't stress how important a hobby is in the dating world. It keeps you busy.

I remember when I was younger and my friends would run phrases off their tongue like "treat her mean to keep her keen," or, "you can't appear too available" when I was asking them why can't I get a girlfriend? And it always used to irk me because I always had a lot of availability time because I didn't have any hobbies.

Put in Lehman's terms it means that when a woman is dating you, she wants to know that your life doesn't solely revolve around her. Having a hobby will have you organising your time around that rather being available all the time for her whenever she wants. It's not sexy to her. You're far more attractive when you're busy and you make time for her.

The trick lends a hand to the whole concept of being wanted. If you are busy then your attention is required by other people elsewhere. If you are there all the time every day and always then you don't seem as if anyone wants you. Trust me, no woman is going to want a man that isn't wanted.

Dress well and keep clean, always.

Don't just dress well when you go out for something special, dress well even when you go out to the shop for groceries. You never know who you're going to roll up on. Keeping clean might seem like common sense but you won't believe how many guys let themselves slide when they get themselves into a comfortable routine. Wash daily, have clean clothes and make sure you look good.

Lots of guys asking why can't I get a girlfriend? Right now and it's because of this.

You don't need dress wear to go to the shop in, but you can still look good in regular clothing.

Think shoes, teeth, nails are the most important ones for men. Keep your shoes shiny, your nails sparkling clean, and your teeth white and you should be fine.

Be nice, god damnit

You'll hear the stories about nice guys never being able to get girlfriends. I think they are called "simps" now. In reality they aren't "nice guys" they are anything but nice, and are unable to recognise this. For example they will be nice to people but secretly want something in return.

Women DO like men that are nice, but they also want to receive a bit of pushback. Without going into a long historical lesson about how I was once a nice guy, or simp, as it's more commonly known these days, I learned that you can still be "a good guy" but also be able to say "no."

If you asked me why can't I get a girlfriend? Back in my 20's, then being a pushover was one of the top reasons.

This isn't a bad thing, and if you can be nice to people without needing or wanting anything in return but at the same time say no, you're onto a winner there.

Ignore the phrases that suggest women like to be treated mean -- that comes from a firm misunderstanding of how women work. They just want to know that you respect yourself, and you do so by saying no every now and again when you don't want to.

And that's it for now!

Thanks for reading why can't I get a girlfriend. I hope you enjoyed it!

More soon!

Originally published at https://learnisart.com on March 26, 2023.