My Journey Through Personal Growth

Towards the end of last year, my main focus shifted from pursuing physical beauty to enhancing my inner beauty. I was mentally and physically sound but I wasn’t emotionally groomed, I only realized this last year.

In the second week, the first month of 2019 I lost my cousin who was also my best homely friend. We didn’t grow up together, but she did visit us often and then finally moved in to stay with us. My parents wanted her to be in the same school as me, so they got her a new school uniform and all the prospectus she needed as a new student. My joy knew no bounds, I was the happiest person on earth, I was excited that my beloved cousin and I would be in the same class, I’d introduce her to my friends and celebrate our birthday together in school as we were born the same year and same month.

Little did I know that the devil was somewhere making jest of me and my fantasies. My cousin didn’t fall sick, she only slept one afternoon and didn’t wake up. I was devastated and hurt in my bones. After all that we did together, she left, leaving me with memories I can't get off my mind to date. She was just too good to be true.

Fast forward to 2021, my friend dumped me. After all the things I did for her, I loved her and introduced her to all my family as my best friend. She was eight years older than me, but that didn't matter to me, I love older girls. I love this friend and I was vulnerable to the extent that she used me to get all that she wanted from my uncle. We sent her to catering school, and after she graduated and got a good job I became a little girl in her eyes. She said I was too small to be her friend, and I should go socialize with my age mates. She stopped visiting us and stopped me from coming to her house. Her current friends were no doubt very expensive and out of my level, I could only watch her from a distance and see them give me that little brat look. What did she tell her friends? Did I offend her unknowingly that she could not tell me?
Her mother sympathized with me, telling me I shouldn't cry but tears kept streaming down my cheeks.

It didn't take long before I became anti-social. Why should I make friends when they would only leave me at the end? No one loves me anyway.
I began to be scared of people, I built walls around me and became toxic to the people who tried to pull them down.
I stayed indoors and only stepped out with family.
I got into the university and finished my first year without a close friend. I was just moving around with anyone that got close to me. I remember telling my current friend I would be changing her soon and she asked me why. I thought we were now friends. Is there anything about me that you don't like?
I have a soft spot for people who speak kindly, her words, the disappointment in her tone, and the pain in her eyes touched me. I remember running after her to explain that I was only joking, though maybe I wasn't. I just didn't know how those words came out of my mouth. This event made me realize the kind of person I've become. I went back home, gave it a deep thought, and made the decision to hold onto her. She became my first friend after two years of being alone.

Reflecting on your life this time last year. In what ways have you grown? What were some of the reasons and contributing factors?

In December last year, I began to make my New Year resolution. I centered it around self-improvement.
I wrote down all the things that I needed to improve on and the possible ways I could go about it.
My first step was to reflect on the things that made me become this kind of person, knowing the root of my problems helped me fight them head-on. I let the past out of my subconscious and opened my mind to embrace new things and new people. My friend became closer to me because I was beginning to open up more.

This year, I have seen myself grow out of my walls, my fears, and my insecurities. I no longer see people as dangerous, rather, as blessings to my space.
I can now smile freely without fear, speak without using strong words, and move freely without being too deliberate about my steps.

I learned to stay happy, embrace the simplicity of life, and accept people the way they are. You know, there's beauty in everything, both the good and the bad.

I have grown closer to the girl I wanted to be, facing my fears and overcoming them. I accept the fact that people may hurt, leave, or stay, but what truly matters is the present moment, to cherish what we are sharing and enjoy every bit of it while it lasts.

My growth may not be significant, but I am many steps better than who I was this time last year. I appreciate this little progress, it means a lot to me and I believe that as long as I am alive, there's always room for improvement and personal growth.

Thank you so much for reading me. I truly appreciate your time

All Images are mine