What's Love Got to Do With It?

What’s Love Got To Do With It?

What's love got to do, got to do with it?
What's love but a second-hand emotion?
What's love got to do, got to do with it?
Who needs a heart when a heart can be broken?

Tina Turner, “What’s Love Got to Do with it?” (1984)

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With Valentine’s Day around the corner, it seems like a great time to talk about love. There are many different kinds of love, and I am just going to skip right over all of them because I want to talk about romantic love. I am fairly certain that 99.999% of people mess up romantic love, and I include myself in this although I think I finally might be on the right track at long last.

What Do Arranged Marriages Have to Do With it?

First, I would like to talk about arranged marriages. Maybe you come from a culture in which arranged marriages are normal or maybe it seems very strange to you. When I was young(er), growing up in Canada, I thought the idea of an arranged marriage seemed very punishing. I think that, in some cases, maybe it is, particularly when the wife (and/or husband) are very young. Also, I think that many Westerners do not realize that there is a difference between arranged marriage and forced marriage. In arranged marriage, other people might set up the marriage, but the bride and groom can say “no.” Obviously, this is not the case with forced marriage.

Why am I, a Western woman with little exposure to it, discussing arranged marriages? It’s mainly because I think most of us do a far worse job of finding ourselves a partner than our loved ones would. That is the problem with “love.” We are usually attracted to people for foolish reasons that have little to do with whether they will be a good match for us. By the time we figure out what might be a good match for us, we are middle-aged (unless we are lucky) or old or it never happens.

Everything I Was Doing Was Wrong (Surprise?)

Life-altering advice...

It has taken me decades (and reading a book called “Reinventing Your Life,” by Jeffrey Young) before I finally realized that I was basically doing everything wrong. I mean, not everything. Almost everything, though. I still do most things incorrectly. (Some kind souls might say, “Oh, but, Harlow… there is more than one way to do things.” Thank you, kind souls. However, frequently, despite all the many options, I still choose one or more that are decidedly wrong.)

I will tell you the life-altering advice I read in this book thus saving you the cover price (although it is well worth the read). It said that we tend to have certain patterns from our childhood (okay, duh) that make us feel very comfortable (still sort of obvious). Well, the thing is that not all of us had amazing childhoods. Mine was not the worst, but it definitely had unhealthy elements. So, then, when we meet a potential partner who repeats patterns that remind us of our childhoods, we feel this amazing spark of electricity. That is the chemistry. The more that the person evokes these subconscious patterns, the more you will tend to spark with them.

This is why people who had shitty childhoods tend to keep getting into shitty relationships. Amazing chemistry. The sparks fly. We don’t realize that it is not some Disney magic. It is simply our subconscious minds saying, “This crap is familiar. I like familiar. I am happy.” Then, when the person starts to behave in a shitty way and that is familiar, we are no longer happy, but it can be hard to get out of it.

When I read this, my life made so much sense. I realized I had been following these unconscious patterns and I was fed up with it. I literally did not date and was celibate for 12 years previous to this because I was so fed up with abusive relationships, but then, as soon as I “relaxed” and started dating again, I headed right back into another abusive relationship. Emotionally abusive, which I feel I should not even distinguish.

Abuse is Abuse

The insidious thing about emotional abuse is that, because you have no bruises, you doubt yourself all the time. You think maybe this guy is not so bad. He is really, really nice some of the time, after all. That is the cycle of abuse, by the way. You might know it well, and, if you do, who am I to tell you what to do, but I hope you keep yourself safe.

By the way, this is the cycle of abuse, and if you are in an abusive relationship, it will feel very familiar to you:

1. Mounting tension – Maybe you feel like you are walking on eggshells. You want things to be good, but you know they are getting worse.
2. Abusive incident -- Whether the abusive person is emotionally abusive, physically abusive, sexually abusive, financially abusive, abusive in some other way, or abusive in some combination of these ways, this stage is when the abuse occurs. It could begin with name-calling, for example. It might not seem very serious the first few times it happens.
3. Apology and honeymoon phase – The abuser realizes they have gone too far. They apologize. They probably put the blame on you at least somewhat – they are sorry, but you pushed them, after all (no, you didn’t, but they will probably say that). Things might seem nice for a while, or they might seem fake nice for a while.
4. Period of relative calm, but it is often like the calm before the storm. Repeats back to 1.

The scary thing is that, over time, if there is no intervention, this cycle tends to tighten. The abuser gets more abusive. The cycle happens more quickly. There are more abusive incidents. They escalate more quickly, and they can be more violent. When they are violent, as they become more violent, they can end in death if proper steps are not taken.

Although this model of abuse is prevalent, and I have discussed it with many survivors and victims of abuse who could relate to it, there are now other models as well, and you might be interested in reading more about this. If you think you or someone you love might be in an abusive relationship, please plan carefully before exiting the relationship. That might not seem obvious, but leaving can be the most dangerous time for a person in an abusive relationship, so it is important to plan carefully. This guide has good advice, but the specific resources are targeted towards Americans. If you are not in the United States, maybe try googling “leaving violent domestic partnership ”.

Unfortunately, some countries have better resources than others.
Even if you live in a country with few resources, though, you can consider your situation and come up with an exit strategy. Please make sure your abuser does not find your search history or any other signs of your exit strategy. Learn how to cover your tracks!

Abusive Relationship Exit Strategy Anecdote

When I was eighteen, I worked in a shoe store (one of the worst jobs I ever had). My manager told me about an abusive man who used to have her under his thumb. I think she was married to him. They lived in a farmhouse in the middle of nowhere. He beat her often and made her feel worthless even though she was young and beautiful. One day, he beat her and then he hung her out the second story window and threatened to drop her. She was quite sure she was going to die.

She told me that she made a deal with God. Many of you know that I am an atheist, but I still was touched by her words. She said, “God, if you get me out of this, I will find a way to leave this man and live a good life.” She said she doesn’t know why or how, but this jerk she was with decided not to kill her that day.

Secretly, she got a job at the 7-11. She hid away all her earnings for six months. Then, one day, she left, found a place to hide with some relatives, and she never went back.

I bring up this story because we live in Canada. There are women’s shelters and there were probably many ways she could have left this man, but she left him in a way that, while it seems like too much risk (staying around him for another six months) worked for her and required minimal assistance from others. Of course, she was very, very lucky that he did not find her money or secret job. That was just good luck. She was due some good luck, but we don’t always get what we are due.

Never Give Up?

I was more fortunate than my manager because most of my boyfriends and my ex-husband were “only” emotionally abusive. My ex-husband was the most extreme, but most were pretty awful.

Now, it would have been really easy for me to throw in the towel and I nearly did. I decided (and this might shock those of you who are from more conservative backgrounds, so I apologize for that) to just enjoy the physical aspects of being a woman. I decided to find men who pleased me, and if they didn’t please me, they could kindly go away.

This sounds like I had a rotating door of men, but, actually, I am extremely selective, and I am not in danger of winning a beauty pageant, so it was actually quite few. However, what I was looking for in a “boyfriend” really had changed. I was looking for someone who would like to go for a meal in a restaurant, watch a movie with me, make dinner at home, sleep together sometimes, and maybe cuddle. I had no interest in love. I had no interest in anything long-term. I was fed up with all of that because it had only ever brought me heartache.

I thought it was time to view romance as fun and literally nothing else.

The Second Piece of Advice

Also... bonus: overcoming ridiculous prejudices is good.

And then… well, one of the things that it said in “Reinventing Your Life” was that it is good to date people you like, to whom you are attracted, but with whom you don’t necessarily have that “spark.” I met my fiancé. He wears a baseball cap. I usually didn’t go out on a second date with a guy who wears a baseball cap. It’s a very silly prejudice.

Here was my reasoning:

1. It might be a little old-fashioned, but it is rude to wear a hat indoors, especially in the presence of a lady. If a guy is wearing a baseball cap on a date, especially our first date, it means he either does not know that, does not care, or assumes I do not care. If the latter, why does he assume that? Does he think I don’t consider myself to be a lady? Why not? What the hell, guy?
2. I just hate baseball caps. I cannot explain this. I just hate them. It is irrational. I see a baseball cap, I think, “Ugh.” Many people I love and care about wear baseball caps. So, if you wear a baseball cap, relax. I know this is insane of me. I know. Yeah. I already know.

And then, to make matters worse? He had a beard and moustache. Previously, I did not go on a second date with men who had facial hair. So prejudiced, Harlow! I know, right? It’s really unfair.

So, why, then, did I go out with this guy again even though he had a baseball cap and a beard and moustache? (And, spoiler alert: it is almost nine years later and he still has the baseball cap, the moustache, and the beard.) Honestly, a lot of it had to do with that stupid book. I thought, “I like this guy. There is no big spark and I hate the baseball cap and facial hair, but this is a person I like.” I remembered the book saying that was the type of person you should try to get to know in terms of dating.

I should add that I was attracted to him. We just never had that weird spark. You know what, though? I think it really helps us to get along. There have been times when we have both acted in ways we regretted. However, I think it might be partially because we don’t have the electricity that we are able to work past these situations.

Explanation, Explanation...

Why is this? When people have similar childhood conflict patterns, they have similar conflict resolution patterns. We end up unwittingly re-hashing the “dance” of our childhood over and over. When you meet someone who is very different from you, you might not feel a spark even if you think the person is physically attractive. However, this difference can be very helpful.

For example, depression is not very common in my partner’s family, so, at first, it was hard for him to understand my illness. However, now that he understands, he is very supportive because my depression does not trigger a depression in him. He does not have the tendency. Similarly, I like to think that, because of my background, I have helped him to see some of the issues in his life from a completely different perspective.

Also, I have a tendency to want to run away from relationships. I don’t know the exact reasons why, but I do. I usually choose people who have the same tendency. This is probably why none of my previous relationships lasted longer than two years. I think one lasted two and a half years?

My current relationship will be nine years old this summer. We are technically engaged to be married, but I feel no pressing need to get married unless he presses the issue.

Conclusion

I have gotten used to the facial hair and the baseball cap(s). I still prefer that he does not wear the caps indoors, and we spar on this issue periodically. Every so often, he is required to shave the facial hair for his work, and then – I miss it!

Love is not what I thought it was when I was young(er). I mistook lust for love. I mistook infatuation for love. I mistook obsession for love. Love is easy to overlook because it can sneak up on you. The fireworks and Disney movies are so often an illusion and lead us astray. The real deal is not so exciting. It is not perfect.

Both of you make unforgivable mistakes and then, miraculously, forgive each other. You find that there is, at last, someone you can trust, who trusts you. You find that you never really want to leave (although, having been raised with abandonment issues, you might say you do) and that you are grateful to be with someone steady enough to tell you they will never want to leave and sensible enough to know that you actually also do not wish to leave.

I so often feel irritated because I can read my partner’s mind while he cannot seem to read mine. Yet, in this one way, he always reads my mind correctly. I tell him I am angry and I am leaving. He does not take this at all seriously. I know I should not say it. I don’t know what possesses me to say such a thing. I will never leave. I adore him. Why would I leave? I am afraid he will say he will leave, so I say it first. It is my own childhood scar. He does not know that, and yet he knows that. How? This is why he is amazing. This is why he is the love of my life.

To me, that is true love.

Happy Valentine's Day, Hive Family!!!

Much Love,

Harlow!

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Image Credit: Image was created by the author using Canva and an image from Pixabay.com.