RE: I'm Tired Of The Conversation About Abuse

I think there is a lot of validity to what you say, and I do not know much about Nigerian society. It is insane what those "supermoms" are advising. Revolting. That being said, the issue of domestic abuse is, I believe, more complex.

Many people don't understand the cycle of abuse and violence. They don't know why any sane or intelligent woman would stay with an abuser. And they don't realize that the most dangerous time for a woman who is with an abusive man is when she leaves him.

Leaving is nearly always the correct decision, but if she doesn't do it right, she may end up injured or killed.

Is there a good system of women's shelters in Nigeria? It is pretty good here, but, even so, it is hard for women leaving bad relationships. I corresponded with a lady on Quora some years ago who was in India trying to leave an abuser, and the lack of resources and support was a major issue for her.

When I was a girl, I couldn't understand how any woman would ever be with an abusive man. Then, I met my husband. He was not abusive on day one. Or day two. Or day three. I shouldn't have married him, but he really didn't show who he was until after the marriage. I was "beautiful" before we were married and "ugly" after.

When he was awful, I always determined to leave him. We had a baby, but I am an intelligent woman and I thought I could make it alone. Better that than being with him! That is when he would cry and tell me how sorry he was. He loved me so much, he said. He brought flowers and gifts. I was young and full of empathy. I thought he was truly sad and sorry. We had a baby together.

He said, "Please don't leave with my baby," as he cried his crocodile tears that I believed.

I tried to leave him every time he was awful, and every time he had tears and promises and gifts. I started to despair that I would never escape.

Finally, one day, he refused to take me to the store to buy food for the baby. "WE eat first," he said. I could not drive and it was too far to walk.

"We eat first when she is old enough to get up, go to the fridge, and make a sandwich. Either you take me to the store or I shall ask my mother." He hated my mother. He had separated me from her and all my friends. It was so gradual. He would get angry or sulk when I was around them, and it was just easier not to be. I have never been passive, but abusers are clever in their own way.

He called my bluff and I called my mother. I left him by tricking myself. I told myself I was only going for groceries. But then I went to my mother's house with my daughter. I called him to tell him we were safe and that he would see his child again, but that I was leaving him and I did not want to see him or speak to him for two weeks. That's when the nightmare began for real.

And, compared to some abusive assholes, he wasn't so bad although he was by far the worst man I ever dated. Obviously, it was foolish to marry him, but my point is that, even someone who comes from a culture that does not advise women as Nigerian girls are told, and even though I considered myself a feminist and a strong, opinionated woman, I fell into this trap. What I take from this is that it can happen to anyone. I am just grateful I got out early.

Most of my life after that, I had no taste for marriage. Now, it is 30 years later, and I am engaged, but I have been engaged a long time. I am very reluctant to actually get married. I wanted to be engaged because I wanted to know that my partner wanted to marry me, but I think I can easily wait forever.

I thought I would share my perspective.