Day 2: Reconciliation Day - What if You Cannot Reconcile?
It is day two of HiveBloPoMo.
Reconciliation Day (USA)
Today's suggested topic is reconciliation, since it is Reconciliation day in the United States (April 2). That reminds me of Truth and Reconciliation Day in Canada, but the latter is about realizing the atrocities that were committed against the indigenous people and doing something about it. That is on September 30th, though. https://www.canada.ca/en/canadian-heritage/campaigns/national-day-truth-reconciliation.html
This American Reconciliation Day is about patching relationships and making amends. https://holidayinsights.com/moreholidays/April/reconciliationday.htm. I find this challenging because I try to live my life in a way that my relationships do not need patching or amends.
Difficult Relationships
However, there are some relationships that are simply difficult. I wish I meant some obscure, far flung relationships, but I mean my relationship with my daughter, who is in her early 30's, and with my father, who is in his 80's.
Of the two, although my father is well-known to be both eccentric and difficult, I have a far easier time getting along with him. It is still hard. Both my younger sister and I excel at customer service, and we attribute this to having learned at an early age to deal with two particularly demanding "customers," Mom and Dad.
My father is a kind and generous person in many ways. He is honest. He has integrity. I appreciate his character. It is my appreciation of his positive points that has kept me hanging in there over the years.
He says many exceptionally nasty and cutting things. I feel uncomfortable often when I am around him. The reason I put up with it is that, after many years of trying to break him of some of his worst habits, I came to the conclusion that he was hurting me accidentally.
Does it matter? If every time you spent time with someone, they "accidentally" stabbed you, would it matter whether it was deliberate, after a while? It would be damaging either way.
I do my best to protect myself by limiting contact with Dad, but since he is elderly and I am his only relative in town, I cannot limit it much. I used to tell him when he was bothering or hurting me, but now, I don't. If telling him for a quarter century didn't help, I might as well save my breath.
How to Reconcile?
So, how do you reconcile when you love someone difficult? In the case of my father, in a way, no reconciliation is necessary because I don't think he is aware of a rift. It is hard.
Today, I am going to Dad's place with my fiancé. We are getting take-away pizza. I think it will be pleasant enough, but I never know. Sometimes, out of the blue, Dad will make a snide remark about something I did wrong when I was 16. Over 30 years ago. Hell, I can barely recall what I ate for breakfast.
Reconciliation with my adult daughter, however, seems even more fraught with challenges. She is mentally ill. I try to bear that in mind, but I know other people who are mentally ill and not so hateful to their mothers.
On a psychological level, I understand. Many people have the need in life to have a scapegoat, and who better than one's mother?
However, I feel frustrated. I cannot even repeat most of what she has said to me. I cannot repeat most of how she has acted towards me. I cannot because if I read it, I would either think she had a crazy, bad mother (i.e. me) or I would think she was a complete lunatic, a term I do not like. There is no way that I can look at her actions as a fair, measured, sane response to the situation.
Here's a mild example: she lives in Victoria, Canada. She is on disability because she is mentally ill. Currently, she shares a place with someone, but the owner is evicting them, because the owner wants his parents to live there. The problem is that rents have gone up (thank you, Airbnb) in a huge way, so she can no longer afford to live there.
To me, it is logical to think of a solution. The possibilities are:
Since she is hell bent on staying, rent a 1 bedroom to share between 2 people. It sucks, but I cannot think of another solution to stay for that price.
Move to another city. She says no (and not politely).
Find a job for a few hours a week. Even just a few hours at minimum wage could allow her to make it.
It is hard for her to work, but it is not impossible. I feel I haven't taught her well enough somehow. To me, life always comes down to priorities.
What I mean is that, often, we have to choose from among bad options. I think that is one hallmark of being an adult -- the ability to, after you have had your cry, take a hard look at the situation and say, "okay, I choose that crappy option." Ideally, we think of a great solution, but more often, we choose the best bad solution.
I understand why, for example, my daughter would not want to move to my province. It is very cold. The snow just melted, and I am certain we have not seen the last of it for the season. I wish I was joking. It has even (rarely) snowed on my birthday in late May!
However, if she wants to live in the best city, she might have to compromise and work a few hours a week, which I know is very challenging for her. Or she might have to live in a one bedroom with two people, which is uncomfortable. Or she might have to make some form of compromise.
She is a really good writer. I told her about Hive, but she just said no. Well, along with some swearing.
Reconciliation seems impossible in these two cases.
It's frustrating. This is an article about reconciliation, but I am unable to have reconciliation with two of the people I love the most.
However, with my Dad, my current relationship and today's pizza visit is a form of reconciliation because I will always make an effort to be kind to him and get along with him. I genuinely believe that his cutting remarks come not from cruelty, but because he is (undiagnosed) likely on the autistic spectrum.
I do, however, limit the amount that I call him. When he was in hospital and just released, I visited and called much more, but it was very hard emotionally.
My daughter is more challenging. She ropes me in. I feel guilty when we don't speak. I become convinced I am/was a bad mother. She frequently asks me for money, which I don't have.
Our most recent "fight" was because she wanted a $400 piece of exercise equipment, which I think might kill her (https://giboard.com/home/). I realize that I could be wrong, but this looks unsafe and overpriced.
She asked me about it, and, not wanting a fight, I ignored her text. A week later, she asked again, and I said it looked unsafe and overpriced. Maybe she would prefer a bungee personal trampoline, I suggested. I recently got one that can hold my weight, and it is a surprisingly challenging workout, even for my fiancé. Also, bouncing, like on a trampoline, is low impact, fun, and it is known to flush your lymph nodes.
Well, as anticipated, my text made her furious. She spent about 200+ words explaining why I am a bad person. I start to believe her crap every time.
I read her words out loud to my fiancé, as a reality check for myself. "Does this sound like me?" I start to doubt myself and wonder whether I was secretly a horrible mother and nobody knew...
When You Start to Doubt Yourself Fundamentally
However, then I realize that this way of thinking -- this complete doubting of my own mind -- that is how abusers have made me feel in the past. It is because an abusive person takes no responsibility for his or her own behaviour. I read that whenever you seriously doubt yourself on a fundamental level as a result of a relationship, chances are good that it is abusive.
It's a little irrelevant, though, because my daughter has once again blocked me. She does this. She blocks me until she needs something. This time her parting shot was that she doesn't want my "passive aggressive gifts." That was a good parting shot because I started to truly wonder if the gifts I send her are indeed passive aggressive.
I can see why a person who has no compassion might think so, but I didn't think my daughter had a complete lack of it. Viewed one way, when I send my daughter a care package from Amazon when we are not speaking, I can see how it might be viewed as a cleverly sinister way to twist her arm into talking to me.
However, that is predicated on an incorrect assumption, which is that I want her to speak to me. I want her to feel well, be healthy, be happy, and be prosperous. I wish I enjoyed speaking to her, but she is very nasty in the way she speaks to me and treats me.
So, why do I send her gifts? Well, assuming I don't get too senile and forget, I won't do it anymore!
Why did I do it before? I wanted to cheer her up. Even though her behaviour is crappy, I know she is in severe emotional pain. I know what that is like. I suppose I also feel guilty because I am the asshole who gave her half the genes that cause her all this pain. That's stupid, and if you are a mother who has a child who has a genetic illness, you know exactly what I mean. I buy some little gifts to cheer her when I can afford it like her favourite chocolate, funny books (since she hates self help books), and just things that are not expensive, but that I think might make her smile and remember that she is loved. It pains me that she views this as passive aggression.
Conclusion
Reconciliation is a two way street. You cannot reconcile with someone who is not willing or able to reconcile with you.
However, forgiveness can be a one way street, and, when we cannot reconcile, it seems the only thing left. It is important -- essential -- to realize that forgiveness is not condoning the action. Also, it is for the benefit of the person doing the forgiving.
Someone I knew, who was abused by his father as a child, told me he would never forgive his father. He has every right to never forgive this odious man. However, holding the anger and hatred in his heart doesn't bother his father at all. He hurts himself.
I did not say this to him. I mean, I said that he has every right not to forgive his father. I mentioned that forgiveness might feel good and that it was about him, not his father. However, he said there was no way, and we have to respect it when people feel this way, I think.
Nonetheless, when we are able to forgive, it allows us to release our own negative feelings. If the person would not care or is not around, writing a letter of forgiveness and deleting or burning it can be therapeutic.
I cannot really reconcile with my father or my daughter. I have already forgiven my father for not understanding the ways in which he hurts me. It is harder to forgive my daughter because I feel like she should understand, and also... Well, I always had the sense that my father, while misguided often, was always loving and well meaning. I don't necessarily feel that with my daughter.
Part of me realizes that she feels the need for a dog to kick and I am the dog, but I have trouble understanding it. I have depression, which is mental illness, but I don't think most of the time I am so mean.
I feel strongly that my father loves and cares about me even if he frequently doesn't understand me. With my daughter, I am constantly puzzled by how little she seems to care for me. I am afraid to speak of it because it seems not just abnormal, but almost unnatural.
How is reconciliation possible with her? I can keep the peace when I never say anything, but then, what's the point?
Much love,
Harlow
(P.S. Help the Ukraine with Hivebuzz's NFTs for peace if you can. zirochka has published two articles showing how these funds are already being used to help people in need..
Also, more ways to help Ukraine are suggested here: https://ecency.com/hive-165469/@ok-top/wartime-diary-kyiv-290322)
"Too many people simply give up too easily. You have to keep the desire to forge ahead, and you have to be able to take the bruises of unsuccess. Success is just one long street fight.″
Milton Berle, Comedian
Photo Credit Ukrainian Flag - Peace in Ukraine with a free Ukraine soon I hope
I think that it does. My brother is doing it intentionally. When a close relative "stab" you intentionally, that is hurting much more than if he/she would do it "accidentally".
This means that your father has a really good memory, and he cares about you. I would be happy for that. Of course only if that "snide remark" is true.
I would do the opposite in your case. I would try to spend as much time as I could. I currently do not even know who is my real father, and whether he still lives or not. My step-father, who can be my real father still lives, and he acts as a real father. He is doing such things, which only a real father would do.
My mother passed away on 2017.12.17. She was 64 years old. She did everything for us (for my brother and for me). She worked in her entire life, even as a pensioner. She deserved better. Both from the world, and from me too. I regret that I did not spent more time with her. I regret that I was harsh and unhelpful towards her in my childhood many times.
For example I did not helped her to use Facebook on the PC/laptop. She asked me to help her, and I refused to help, saying harsh things, like "why do you sit in front of the computer, if you cannot use it? I would not sit in front of the sewing machine", and so on. She was a needlewoman. One of the bests in the country. Her skill and experience was/is respected country-wide, and she could get a job anywhere in the country, even as a pensioner.
I wish that I would have behaved better towards her. And that I would have spent more time with her. And that I would have been better in general. I regret many things about life. I wish that I could behaved better in many cases.
Family is everything. Love them, hug them, kiss them, spend time with them, be kind to them, as long as you can.
I write this, while I currently live alone.
Some people say that we value (we realize the value of) certain things after we lose them.
Looks like this is indeed true. Again, I would recommend spending more time with your father. Especially that he is in his 80s. I am sure that you love him. Do things to make him feel that you love him. Maybe this sounds weird, but he is trying to do the same, even if you currently feel it as a "stab".
Now I also wrote a long comment. More than 500 words. I rarely do this.
Have a nice day and have a nice weekend.
All the best. Greetings and much love from Hungary.
Thank you for taking the time to comment. Since I don't think you are cruel, I think maybe you don't know the definition of the word "snide." It is the only explanation for how you can tell me that my father’s verbal abuse, which might not be 100% deliberate, is meant to be caring. That's a stretch, my friend.
I should say that I really appreciate your taking the time to reply at length. I think I understand what you are saying, which is that we should appreciate the people who love us.
What you wrote about your mother is very sad. I imagine you miss her very much. I hope you realize that no one is perfect and most people take their mothers for granted in one way or another. It is something most mothers (myself included) accept as part of being a mother.
In my opinion, anyone entering parenthood expecting anything other than a one way love might be in for a sad shock.
To explain about my father, I do love and appreciate him very much. I think he has a difficult personality, and, while I know it is not his fault, he still upsets me terribly sometimes with the horrible things he says to me about me.
I have had abusive people in my life, and I used to consider my father’s behaviour to be abusive. However, now, I am not sure. He loves me. He thinks he is being helpful. He thinks he sees things accurately. However, accuracy can be over-rated.
From my father, I learned that there is such a thing as too much honesty. Honesty is certainly a virtue, and I far prefer it to lies, but sometimes, I am not interested in someone's "honest" assessment of me.
Here's one example that wasn't too bad: when I was 12, I earned honours at school. My mother could not make it to the ceremony, so she urged my father to go. I was skeptical. He sat next to me while the school counsellor gave a long, boring speech about nothing. He said (very loudly), "This woman is completely stupid!"
That was true. She was stupid. It was a stupid speech. However, my 12 year old self, about to receive a little award, was completely humiliated. That was very minor in terms of his embarrassing me and it wasn't even directed at me, but maybe it gives you an idea.
I don't know if that will make sense to you. Maybe the worst part is that he doesn't notice when he upsets me. He notices with my two sisters because they yell at him. That is not an exaggeration. Maybe I would have been more like them, but I had my daughter when I was young, and, because she was so full of anger (which we later realized was mental illness), I learned to be insanely calm, so, even when I was upset, most of my life, yelling did not come naturally.
Anyhow, I appreciate the comment and that you told me about your history also.
I don't know whether I have tokens left (as usual -- I have to find a better way to keep track).
!LUV
!PIZZA
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I really don't know how to express myself after reading this. However, I would try.
I'm having difficulties reconciling with my dad after my mom's death. The thing is, he doesn't even know how much damage he has done. He probably has an idea that i don't like him, but he doesn't know how much. After her death, I'm left with just him as i don't have siblings. I have to reconcile too. It's very difficult especially when i wanted to stay angry with him forever.
I think that's how your daughter feels. She doesn't want your help neither does she wants to take your suggestions. She clearly doesn't like you.
So what exactly are you going to do? Nothing?
Like you said nothing changes if you do nothing. I think you have to be ready to take more insults and bashing if you want to reconcile. There must be a reason she doesn't want you. So i think if you pop up regularly into her life, keep giving her suggestions. She would be forced to consider someday.
Truth is, Life is tough and hard. I really feel connected to you at this point. I feel for your daughter too, I can only hope she solves her accommodation problems. Just keep talking to her. It might seem unnatural to you. But to her, it might feel different. It's hard and sad that she's ill and thus makes it very difficult. However, i believe with time, you will understand better.
Thanks for sharing. Even writing about this helps. !PIZZA !LUV
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Thank you for your comment. I suspect you are both younger and more reasonable than my daughter. She makes it very difficult to be kind to her although I keep trying anyhow. I know it is not her fault that she has mental illness.
It sounds like a challenging situation with your father. I have a very bad memory, and I cannot remember whether your parents were together before your mother passed. I feel like they were not, but maybe I misremember.
You said you are angry with your father and he doesn't know how much damage he has done. I wonder whether it would do any good to discuss this with him. Sometimes, such a conversation could be productive. Sometimes, people are too defensive to hear what they have done wrong.
Sometimes, especially when someone is very verbal, as you clearly are, it can help to write a letter to the person you are angry with, writing out all the worst things and then burn the letter. Why burn it? Well, usually, these negative feelings really need to be expressed and come out -- like when a sore is festering -- however, it doesn't do much good for the intended recipient to read it.
It might actually block communication and healing if the recipient receives this initial, raw letter, but it is a personal decision how to handle matters.
I knew a girl once who wanted to confront her father, but he refused to meet with her, so I suggested both a letter of confrontation (NOT to be sent) and that she herself write a reply as though she were her father. Sometimes, the only way to read the healing words we need the most is to write them ourselves. It can be a good way to realize what you need to hear and then, you realize that this person might never be capable of saying such healing things in real life. It is so easy to feel hurt and not realize that it is the other person's limitation(s), and nothing to do with our own shortcomings.
I don't know whether something like that could help you. Maybe I should try it with both my father and daughter!
I love my daughter so much. It's so frustrating when I see her suffer and then when she is angry with me and I know it is because, at the end of the day, in her mind, I have caused all her sorrow. Is it really true? I hope not. I don't think I did. I am not perfect, though. This is a curse of motherhood. Most mothers think they messed up terribly. It's frighteningly universal, and, even knowing it, it persists.
I hope things gradually improve between you and your father. One never knows with fathers. What I mean is that I have met some men who were terrible fathers and did not care. However, I have met men who were aware that they were being neglectful fathers in one way or another, and, although they did not tell their sons, it affected them deeply, and they longed for a positive, meaningful relationship.
I don't know your father or whether you even should try to reconcile with him, but if he is fundamentally a good man, maybe you should try once you take care of your feelings of anger. It is hard to be alone. On the other hand, in my opinion, it can be better to be alone than to be among those who cannot be trusted. Only you know.
The world is full of people. I know many people who had very disappointing home lives, for whatever reasons, but went on to find what they call their "chosen family." Some of them became the cornerstones of these families.
I cannot imagine how dark life must seem to you right now, and yet you are so young and your life is ahead, full of promise and possibility. I hope a small part of you can see that light through all the darkness.
Thank you for your comment. It made me think.
!LUV
!PIZZA
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Hello, my darling. As always, you have somehow managed to floor me with your post. I cannot think of anything productive or useful or helpful to say in regards to your situation with your daughter (that I knew was bad) and your Dad (that is way worse than I realised) except t0 reinforce, that from where I stand this seems the most true:
You are an awesome human who is doing a fabulous job of coping in horrendous circumstances.
And maybe it would serve you to keep reminders around your home from other (sane) people like me who see you and think you're brilliant and kind and more than good enough so that when one of these people who are supposed to love you but are abusive (for whatever reason) say awful things and you begin to doubt yourself, you can look at the kind words of another (your partner, me, anyone else who gets you and says lovely, reasonable things) and remember that, actually, you're just fine and you're doing a great job.
Super big hug, wise woman. 🤗
@amirl @samostically @itsostylish @xplosive @ranteputohh
Thank you for the reblogs! 🥰