The Breakup Doctor

The other day I got talking to a friend who had run into some kind of clog in his relationship that meant that he needed to be saved from the relationship, and in a bid to remain in good terms with the girl and still be considered a gentleman, he's looking for a smooth and creative way to break up with the girl without stirring unnecessary waters.

Personally, I don't know why all these people run to a serial single man like me for advice, perhaps it's because it's only an experienced single man who has been in the business of releasing himself from the shackles of relationships that can give adequate advice on this issue.

Good enough his girlfriend is not like my first ex whom I sent "Deuces" by Chris Brown on whatsapp as a final breakup message, only for her to reply with "Awwwnn, so sweet. I love Chris Brown" and then added "it's okay, I forgive you".

Well, we eventually broke up after she came over and I deliberately squeezed her n*pple so hard that she screamed. Then I apologized and told her that I was lost in thought and mistook it for a cashew nut because her body spray made her smell like cashew. She was stubborn, so I had to repeat it like three times and it eventually worked. She angrily left and never came back. Her loss, after all she overreacted.

That's just one way to make a smooth break up when you feel shackled. The second one got it a little bit rougher. After days of trying to get a valid way to break up with her, I finally got a perfect chance when we had a conversation after she came over.

She: "I'm bored"

Me: "I've got a joke"

She: "Tell me na"

Me: "Naaah! There's nothing I can possibly tell you about yourself that you don't already know". She got angry and left. Again, she overreacted in my own opinion, after all there's nothing wrong with being the joke.

To give you guys another idea on what to do, try hiding your ex's undies and toys under the bed, then when your babe comes over, drop your key and make her search for it under the bed. Definitely she will overreact and leave after finding those items you had no idea about.

If that doesn't work for you, don't panic, just chill and hear me out. Try the family heritage trick and tell her stories about how rampant your father was with the opposite gender, and the semblance you share with him. Then you can conclude it with a statement like

"Now you know that my dad was a serial cheat, I hope you can understand where I'm coming from when I cheat on you" or something like "Just like my dad, I know that if we run into any issues in our love life, a threesome with someone you trust, like your best friend might save us"

If you think you are radical enough and do not care about what anyone says or thinks, you can go for the straightforward, radical approach, and do like @nelson-george and just directly tell her that you are HIV positive or that you have a terminal cancer disease.

Lastly for now, if you're like me and has a voice like mine that's as hoarse as a frog's snore and cackles like a broken record, then you can record a breakup rap song that has no rhythm or cadence, but sends out a very clear message and send to her as a romantic gesture, telling her to listen to it only when she's with her friends.

If you're like my friend and want to get out of that relationship, implement these strategies and thank me later. But if none of it works for you, then wait for the next part.

gif by tenor

Welcome to my blog, you can relax and be rest assured of quality content on diverse topics. You're free to air your views and opinions in the comments section, and It'll be my pleasure to learn and engage