We choose what we hold onto
I've had the idea for this post on my list for quite some time now. I just have never gotten around to writing it until today. I think maybe I was afraid that I wouldn't be able to stretch it out to one thousand words. At this point, I really don't care though.
I use Google Keep quite a bit. It's one of the most intuitive note taking apps I have ever used. Much simpler than Evernote and Microsoft OneNote. Probably not as functional either, but it accomplishes what I need it to.
Sorry, back to the point...
As I grow older, I find it interesting to discover that two people who went through the same experience can see said experience with completely different eyes. I've been pretty candid about the fact that I grew up in a rather strict Christian household.
Certain music wasn't allowed to be played, decks of cards were not allowed in the house, alcohol was never in our house, and various other unimportant things that might shock the average reader.
I mention this because a short time ago I had an interaction on Facebook prompted my thoughts on this post. One of our relatives posted something about how square dancing used to be taught in gym class at the elementary level.
My sister didn't remember that happening. I vaguely remembered learning some of the steps, and our cousin was the one who wrote the original post, so she could remember as well.
My sister made a comment to the effect that if they did make us learn to dance, she is surprised that our parents didn't send a note saying we didn't have to participate because it was dancing.
Now, don't get the wrong idea, it's not like we lived in the town from Footloose, it was just that dancing isn't something we grew up doing. Likely it was absolutely frowned upon in the household my parents grew up in, so it wasn't something we did in our house.
Anyway, my sister reached out to me in a direct message and started going on about how she was surprised that our mom and dad would have allowed us to do square dancing in school. That's when the phrase I used in the title of this post came to me. I typed it to her and that kind of shut down the conversation.
We choose what we hold onto
Like I said, two different childhoods occuring in the same household, yet two completely different views of the experience. The funny thing is, I was the trouble maker, so if the rules were exceptional strict, I was usually the one that was breaking them.
Don't get me wrong, I love my sister dearly. I'll stand up for her and defend her with everything I have, but this is one thing I don't know if we will ever agree on.
We definitely missed out on a lot of experiences as kids, but I think we had pretty great childhoods. We never wanted for anything and the rules that might have seemed oppressive back then have molded and shaped the values that still guide my life today.
Without those guidelines, who knows where I would be.
I don't live to far from my parents, so I try to visit them every couple of weeks or so. Even if it's just to sit with them in church for an hour on Sunday morning. My sister also recently moved back into the state, so I see her and her husband more than I used to as well.
In case you're new, that's @mrsbozz in the picture above, not my sister.
Anyway, occasionally when we get together my dad will start telling stories from when he was a kid. It's interesting because I feel a lot of the stories he tells are bad memories. Things that didn't quite go his way and he almost still seems bitter about them today. My dad isn't really one to live in the past, but sometimes when he is telling a story, I can't help but think:
We choose what we hold onto
It makes me wonder if I only talk about the things I regret when I am telling stories from my past. Am I carrying all the sadness, guilt, and disappointment with me or am I shrugging that off and taking the happy stuff with me instead?
Most likely, it's neither of those. It's probably a fine balance of taking the happy and the sad with you so you can learn and grow along the way.
The problem is, if you let the scale tip too far in the one direction, it can be a pretty miserable existence I would imagine. I think in general these days we have plenty of bitterness in the world. There are far too many people who feel they have been victimized in one way or the other. Some of them are legit for sure, but others... I don't know.
You aren't the victim because you didn't get the flavor of candy you wanted in third grade. You aren't the victim because your neighbor got Castle Grayskull for Christmas and you didn't. You aren't the victim because you wanted never owned a Hypercolor or IOU sweatshirt.
I hope that we can start replacing the bitterness with more joy, and the only one that can do that is you.
We choose what we hold onto
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Of course we choose what we hold onto, but if there are some real bad times within our own family, then it remains with us because it's difficult to forget them. And most of the times, we get the setback from our own family members, because we are highly attached with them.
I think there is a big difference between minor inconveniences and true bad times in a family. Perhaps it's just perspective though. I think problems seem a lot bigger than they really are when we are younger.
I think, the emotion is bigger than the actual problem when its inside family.
Yes, that is likely quite true!
You have a very nice view about this. Anytime I remember a bad time I had I refrain from putting blame on anything or anyone I just see it as a “what if” case
Age definitely gives us perspective.
Family first, always.
For sure!
Packs of cards weren't allowed? I'm always rather amazed by some of the things the more Christian households don't allow. I'm trying to think, but I can't remember many things not allowed in our house. I'm sure there was plenty forbidden to us as well, I just don't remember.
Anyway, some people just have a harder time moving on. For so many people the default thought seems to be regret for the past, not only for their own actions, but for the situations they were placed in that they had no control of. As a result, there is so much anger towards the previous generation. I understand the anger, which is a result of pain. But my thing is always that no matter how angry or upset we are about the past, we can't change it. Holding on to anger at our folks won't magically change their actions in the past. It's over. Better to move on than hold on to it. Our folks were usually trying their best. They made mistakes, just as we are making mistakes now, but they were doing what they thought at the time was best.
That said, I still want Castle Grayskull...
Yeah, cards are associated with gambling, so it was a big nope. We used to not go out to eat or go to the store on Sunday either. I agree with you though, our parents were just trying to do their best. That's the way I look at it. I definitely have regrets about some things and I often find myself letting them live in my head, but I push past it. My neighbor had all the cool toys, but he also had a pretty broken home, so it wasn't even a contest.
It is strange in what we choose to hold onto, memories mostly the good or funny, even though many did lead to a solid spanking when young blame older brothers, it was worthwhile!
Parents came from totally different backgrounds, they too reflected not only hardship but entertaining moments, especially my Dad in war years in North Africa, strange funny/sad events reflected on.
Perhaps we were all battling class back then, no one was jealous of another receiving better gifts, that came into fruition later with our children spending Christmas with cousins whose family spoiled cousins rotten. We simply stated we don't have that 'type' of money. All extra was spent on travel, and holidays together, it really is in what we choose to hold onto.
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Yeah, we definitely see things through a different lens now than we did back then. It's almost bittersweet to think about sometimes. I miss the innocence for sure.
Being an adult is overrated, most tend to return to childhood memories. Although once you're an adult, decision is yours to make, sink or swim....
I can't argue with you there!
Yup more often than not rowing upstream with only one paddle!
Very true. My addendum to your title is that what you choose to hold onto ends up defining you. I am at wit's end trying to explain this to family when they want to keep on holding to issues more than 2 decades old.
Yes, I completely agree with that! I'm sorry to hear about the family issues. That's sad.
It is normal for the big families we have. Only saving grace is that the elders seem to be ready to let things be as they grow older beyond 65-70. And younger generation is too busy surviving to worry about past, too many issues in present to resolve :) So over time I hope that things work themselves out. But so many missed opportunities thanks to living life like it is a soap drama. (to be honest I cannot say that I have not been guilty of the same from time to time)
Oh for sure! I think we all tend to hold onto things longer than we should from time to time. Hopefully those who still are learn to let go before it is too late. Bitterness and regret don't live well together.
You’re right and even twins who were born by the same mother on the same day still see things differently from each other.
That’s why I always say that it is better to hold onto ecstatic memories because truly, we choose what we hold on to and it lives in our hearts forever
Yes, very different for everyone! It's just too bad that some people choose to live in the negative areas.
We all have different childhood memories even as siblings on things that were allowed and fun activities to carry on in the family to hold on to as fun memories
Yes, we certainly do!
When we were children, at least in my time, the rules were quite strict, you are quite right in saying that this way of upbringing gave us the values we have today, and in an improved version we pass them on to our children.
When I sit down with my mom I try to see her several times a week to listen to her stories, they are also like things in her life that didn't go the way she wanted them to, you can still feel the tone of frustration.
But as you say, each one chooses what to hold on to.
Blessings excellent publication
Thank, you, I appreciate the kind words. I think we are always going to hold onto those negatives a little bit. I guess the hope is that we don't let them take over our lives.
Some people just can't let go of grudge, they hold it within them and try to bring it up at every opportunity which makes them even more bitter. My mother in law is like that, keeps on mentioning a particular argument she had with a certain family member, and that was decades ago. She seems to think the more she talks about it, the more of a victim she is and everyone has to agree with her, but really, it takes two to tango
Yeah, that is just sad. It makes you wonder how much they must really be hurting and if anything can ever be done to relieve it. I feel like it's something they need to learn to let go of.
Hey, I like Keep too :)
I won't go into my thoughts on religion, but I think you have to let your kids find their own way. Of course you can try to protect them from danger, but they will probably be okay if you gave them a good grounding.
When I was a student our landlady did not approve of us doing some low stakes gambling. I think she called cards "the devil's prayer book" or something like that.
Haha, that is too funny. I think she would get along good with my dad!
There’s actually a term for that it’s extremely common for nearly everyone. I mean hanging on to the bad things, it’s our subconscious way.
That makes sense. I know I am guilty of it myself. I just try not to dwell on it. It might recur, but I can usually move on from it pretty quickly each time.
This is a great, reflective post. I'm a firm believer in letting go of any bitterness being held against people or things that have happened in the past. My belief is most times people do the best they can with the tools they have at their disposal. I think forgiveness is a gift you give yourself. But everyone is different. Letting go of that is really difficult for some people. After a while it becomes a part of their self identity.
I often think back to my father, how he was raised in a succession of foster homes (many of which he was abused in) but he never had any blame or bitterness towards his Mom. Although he had his issues he wasn't a mean person either, he was often kind to a fault.
Those sound like some really good and healthy memories! I'm more inclined to focus on the positive things as well. I don't think my family does either. It's just interesting the what and how they remember certain things.