Everything Happens For A Reason

"Has anyone ever told you that you look like Joe Rogan?"

This was one of the first messages that I decided to respond to you with -- can't try and tell me that women don't have game! 😄 I remember you messaging back with something along the lines of, "I'm a freelance photographer." I can still picture your profile photo looking back at me: a snowy landscape behind you, a black toque on your head, and a shy smile on your face.

It has always been a question to ponder: what was it about you, out of the hundreds (literally hundreds of messages), that caused me to reply? More so, what made me decide to meet up with you in the first place, because that was never meant to be my intention.

(Triggering Content)

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My intention was to kill myself, and to hurt as many people as I could along the way, specifically my then-cheating boyfriend.

But we met up regardless -- you giving me a shock when you poked your head through my car window to state, "You must be Alissa 🙂" And our first date exploring an abandoned daycare centre, the same one that had been behind my childhood home for years. I remember the two of us climbing on top of the roof, watching the sunset in front of us, you secretly trying to sneak photos of me when you thought I wasn't looking. Explaining my situation to you, yet you wanted to "stick around" anyway.

Creating some of my favorite memories with you... Getting my car stuck in an inch of mud, (revving my engine and accidentally spraying you in the process 😩), having to pay a tow truck $120 just to pull me out by 10 centimeters! 🤦‍♀️ Getting pulled over for driving without insurance, having to call another tow truck (that you helped pay for), shooting the shit with the driver. Making love on top of the Gardiner Express while it was under construction. Talking about your daughter while looking out over the bay, lightning flashing in the distance. The way your fingers traced my thighs while I was driving... I started feeling happiness again; color began to return to the world. You made me want to live again.

(Image created using an AI art generator on Night Cafe)

The last mistake I have ever made, was leaving you behind, 3,000 KM across the country. There is not much that I regret, but I have never regretted a decision as much as that one... Trying to forget you, trying to act as though I were moving on, yet always finding my mind wandering back to you, and my heart always aching... It was the darkest period of my life, and I truly believed I would not make it out alive. How ironic, considering wasn't that my intention not but a few months ago?

Yet, somehow I did make it out. Somehow I did make it back to you, and I'll never forget when it became the night I finally told you I love you.

"You mean you came back all this way for me?"
"Of course Terry; I love you."
"Gawd, I'm such an idiot! I love you too, Alissa..."

The decision to keep living was just one of many that you would change my mind about; the next was children. I had lived over a decade of my life adamantly believing I would never want children of my own, and that belief dissolved within literally 4 months of being with you. Pregnancy has been one of the most cherished parts of my life, and I now truly believe that my life's purpose is to be an amazing mother to our (so far!) two beautiful babies. Watching them learn and grow with you has been the most rewarding experience...

Imagining my future with you, and all of our children, is the only thing continuing to motivate me to this day. There's a vast world to explore, and we'll be doing all of it behind the wheel of an RV... Driving all around the continent, searching for hidden wonders to explore, profiting from social media, homeschooling our children together, finally being away from people, being together as a family all the time... There could be no greater meaning to life.

You are an amazing person, father, and husband. For better or for worse, 'til death do us part. I love you so much, Terry ❤️

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I realize that this post is not necessarily a rant -- I will get to that part now! 😂 I posted in this group because there is simply nowhere else for me to write about my experiences without being censored. Frankly I find it a bit depressing; I can't talk about addiction, sexual assault, abuse, suicidal thoughts, or pretty much anything unpleasant or insensitive -- I basically have to censor 80% of my life 😂 For grown adults...

It's incredibly irritating, and I understand there are group rules for a reason, but there is every tool at our disposal to mute/block rowdy users. So a thought! If one's trauma is too sensitive and they haven't worked through it, they should not be on platforms where anything can happen, so to speak. The responsibility of using the internet falls upon the user; the same way anything can happen outside, I am the one who chooses to take that risk. And if one happens to stumble upon something they don't enjoy, they could just click away -- or better yet -- turn off the screen. The internet, especially platforms for older users, should never be censored -- for anything.

Anyway, thank you for reading! 😀 If you are experiencing similar, I hope you are able to find happiness ❤️