The Art Of An Apology
I ran into our local psychopath recently, the account of which gave birth to this post. I've written about "Jay" before (not his real name), a manhood-challenged guy who hates women and will do anything he can to hurt and destroy them.
When I first met him, I didn't know that he had this condition. Thinking he was a friend, I did a lot of favors for him, as his cruelty towards others s-l-o-w-l-y unfurled itself in front of me.
It took a year before I saw the entire spectrum of both his psychopathy (I had to educate myself about it first), and the joy he received out of creating these elaborate ways to setup people for destruction.
He'd conjure up a situation pitting two individuals against each other while he sat back and smiled, or give someone several choices to make, and have it so that they would lose no matter which one they made.
He'd send his au naturel photos to women who'd send the most biting comments back about the size of his manhood. These texts would cause him to fly into a rage, and he'd show them to me as proof of how cruel some women can be.
Yes, some of the girls took it too far. But then he'd take it out on the other ones that would agree to date him. These people had started a relationship with him ever after seeing his photos. But he'd punish them for the sins of the others.
He told me that he hated women and was going to spend the rest of his life destroying them. He had no sense of empathy or guilt about him. The only thing that seemed to make him happy was hurting people. This attitude affected everyone around him, including me, a person who was just learning what a psychopath was.
He'd date a girl and then break up with her on dates that were important to her. Christmas, Valentines day, her birthday, and he even orchestrated a huge argument and deliberately broke up with one on the anniversary of her mothers passing. He said he'd do this so that they'd be hurt everytime that day came by.
Alarmed, I tried to use my influence with him to moderate his behavior over time. But I cut him off after realizing he wasn't ever going to change and since he's a bridge-burner and has hurt everyone he knows, he's been trying ever since to become friends with me again.
However, he hates to apologize, and will sometimes drive past me at high speeds giggling, and yelling "I'm sorry!" as he barrels down the road. He doesn't understand that some things require a "sit-down" apology, and not one shouted out the window of a moving car.
"Jay" has burned so many people, to where now he's considered completely toxic in this area.
The Art Of A Sincere Apology
It turns out that there's an art to a sincere apology. I know it, but many other people seem not to.
It starts with sincerity. A genuine desire to apologize for what you did, AND to make amends. Here's an example: Say you're driving, you see a person crossing the street, and you decide to floor it and run them over.
Years later you find Jesus, you repent and get saved. Now the guy you ran over is paralyzed from the neck down and will never walk again. He's also swimming in medical bills, and the former life he knew is over.
What do you do?
Do you owe him anything?
In my book: damn right you do!
The words of Jesus in the book of Matthew 7:21 ring out loud and clear:
"Not everyone who says to Me, ‘Lord, Lord,’ shall enter the kingdom of heaven, but he who does the will of My Father in heaven."
See the difference?
It's confession and repentance alone, versus confession and repentance combined with ACTION!
Some people would head over to his house and offer a serious formal apology. He accepts it, and the person thinks all is now good and leaves to get on with their life now feeling like they've finally done the right thing.
But have they?
Nope.
As far as I'm concerned the apology is just the beginning of what needs to be done to sincerely make amends. While you can't make him physically whole again, you need to do everything in your power short of that.
Pay his medical bills, and if you can't, setup a GoFundMe admitting your responsibility for his condition. Until the funds come in, you should be over there emptying his bedpan, turning him over in bed, and assisting him with feeding, bathing and shopping for him.
He has to live with this condition for the rest of his life and you also should spend that time making him as comfortable as possible. You made this bed...
That's "the other half" of a true apology.
Making Amends And Healing The Soul
If you robbed somebody, apologizing is the first half and paying restitution is the second half. If you told a lie about someone and got them fired from their job, apologizing is the first half, and restoring their job position and reputation is the second half.
Are you getting the picture?
Mouthing "I'm sorry" are just empty words if not followed sincerely by deeds which help restore the person you harmed as much as possible.
That's not to say that you should treat all situations as if they were a millstone hanging around your neck forever, but a meaningful attempt at righting a wrong is an absolute requirement.
Because even if you "get away with it" in this life, you'll still have to stand in front of Jesus at The Great White Throne Judgment, where The Book Of Life is opened, and as it says in Revelation 20:12:
"And I saw the dead, small and great, standing before God, and books were opened. And another book was opened, which is the Book of Life. And the dead were judged according to their works, by the things which were written in the books."
Verse 15 tells us what happens to those whose names are not found in The Book Of Life:
"And anyone not found written in the Book of Life was cast into the lake of fire."
You don't get to destroy someone's life and then head on back to your life of hookers and blow as if everything's now hunky dory. No, you need to get off your ass and make things right for them.
A sincere apology followed by actions to make amends can go a long way to both healing the soul of the person you harmed, and potentially, saving your own.
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"Oh it seems to me,
that sorry seems to be the hardest word."
Yeah, saying sorry and proving it with actions is really hard but it's tremendously liberating. That guy is now a prisoner of his misdeeds and he'll carry that weight for the rest of his life unless he wises up, if he can.
Good of you to get away from that guy. He even deserves to be called out publicly, who knows what abuses he's committed in private. I hope the people he's targeted get their justice and I wish for him only realization and awareness at some point.
The post is awesome, by the way!
Thanks for your compliment and for reading my post. It's weird with him. He'll say "I have to stop hurting people" then he'll go right out and hurt people again. He says it's genetic, and while there's some evidence for that, he has enough self-control not to murder someone in front of a policeman.
He goes through the typical psycopath phases with everyone. the "love-bombing" infatuation phase, using them, then the final showdown of the "discard" phase of the breakup where he turns on them and hurts them until he needs them again.
I used all of my influence as a friend to try and moderate his behavior, but he does not have normal human emotions. He's happy only when making people suffer.
The last straw for me was when he found this sweet, innocent, religious Mennonite girl online and told me: "She's a good girl. I'm gonna take her virginity and then dump her real easy" I was his landlord, and I threatened to turn him in to his parole officer and kick him out of the building if he contacted her. He didn't. Psychopaths feel no guilt and need to be completely separated from society so they can't harm us anymore.
I seems you have done the best thing, which is remove their negative energy from your life until they make a sincere apology. But I would imagine your expectation goes beyond the apology. It would also include their improved behavior after the apology. That is something I have had to learn as part of my journey focusing on trust. It is not just enough to apologize and be sincere, you have to show it through actions and follow through.
As a psychopath, he has a massive ego, and feels above apologizing to other people. Often, he would do somebody dirty and then try to talk to them normally as if nothing happened.
I did a lot of research on psychopaths, and you likely know that their brains are different from normal people. The area that controls empathy, guilt and compassion, appears to be un-wired or switched off. If I do something wrong or see someone suffering I feel guilt and compassion. If he does the same thing, he feels joy.
He once showed me videos of two girls cutting their wrists because he broke up with them.
He was smiling the entire time...
He would break up with a girl on the phone and then smile in front of me as she cried. He said his condition is genetic and many males in his family have this inborn cruelty. These people are absolutely inhuman, and since there's no cure for this, I think they should round all of these people up and send them to "Psychopath Island" where they can live out their days hurting each other and leave the rest of us alone.
oh wow! not much can be done there I don't think. Sounds like a lost cause possibly. Best avoided for sure.
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