Living The "Clichés" Of Formality
Someone from college texted me a while ago and asked how I was doing; at first glance, I would have told them I was fine, but because they had been checking in on me far too frequently, I opened up and told them everything.
I believe this person is already aware that things have not gone well. I have completely disappeared from all social media, and I have been incommunicado and nearly unreachable for over a year now. We find it quite formal to tell people that everything is fine; sometimes asking people if they are okay is done for formal reasons.
I recently read a post from someone in the UK who said that people there are used to asking others if they are okay, and they do this out of courtesy rather than because they truly want to help; it felt funny, but it is actually painful.
People have a lot of courtesy to give, regardless of the circumstances.
We sometimes greet people simply because it is customary to do so, rather than because it is genuine. Salutations are proper ways to acknowledge people; there is no love there, only normalcy and cliches. It is the same way we frequently respond to these cliches.
Most of the time, we find the appropriate responses to cliche questions while searching deep within for answers to the things that truly bother us.
Formal Answer/Forma Question
However, I have not been overly formal in answering the "how are you" questions. What I mostly do is distinguish between those who are sincere and those who are not and provide appropriate responses. In reality, no one wakes up every day to answer questions about their problems, which is why people are literally going through it and trying not to make others feel sorry for them. We can usually tell the difference between *empathy and pity," and most people only give the latter because they do not know how to do the former.
There is nothing wrong with answering "I am fine" to the question "how are you?" I believe it saves you a lot of pity and unnecessary emotional expressions. There are straight answers to straight questions, and understanding this is how we usually navigate life alone through some never-ending struggles.
Life is difficult, but we can not always express how difficult it is at every opportunity, so we try to persevere. It is easier to give up when we can not go any further, but that does not mean it is any less difficult.
However, there are times when we need someone to rant to, not because they will help us, but because we know they have listening ears. I have had people tell me about their financial problems, and while I would not necessarily solve them, I would listen and offer them words of encouragement. In reality, everyone needs listening ears to stay sane, and we all need motivation to keep going in the rat race of life. We require toughness to navigate unfairness, frailty, and weekness. Many people would go insane if they did not have people to vent their feelings to, and unless they find a truly deeper sense of belonging, we do not always have the extra energy.
The world lacks empathy; you need specific people to emit that empathy; otherwise, the world is toxically unfair.
I was at the hospital a few days ago to have some tests done, and it was uncomfortable because the lab technicians chose to ask me strange questions. I had already told them about my condition, and the fact that they continued to ask those strange questions demonstrated their lack of empathy. It is simple: we can not win wars we did not fight; it is simply alien to them. There are battles we cannot understand simply because we have not fought them, and it is sometimes easier to be indifferent to things we do not know.
It is a trait that most of us share. As I previously stated, we cannot win wars that we have not fought, nor can we pass exams for courses in which we have not enrolled. Empathy is a character trait we develop by fighting our own insane wars, and being victorious in battles gives us the emotional capacity to understand to some extent the battles that others are fighting.
I have made a lot of mistakes in life, and unfortunately, I have learned the hard way. Most people will learn their lessons the hard way, particularly when it is too late. However, I am glad I have realized some of the lessons. I have needed a lot of decluttering for a long time, and it took learning painful lessons to realize this, but that is where faith and God comes in.
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A very wise and reflective post, mate. You put your thoughts into words so well.
This is why a few genuine close friends are so important. There has to be at least one person in someone's life to whom they can open up completely. Judging one's level of empathy is difficult though. Too little and you're cold-hearted and mean, too much and you are in danger of neglecting your own personal well-being. Obviously, the latter is much better than the former but is still important to be aware of. Balance, as in all things is important, when equilibrium is off, in all areas of life, it's a problem but I believe the universe balances things up, sooner or later, if you keep going.
Face the future with as much positivity as you can muster. The dreadful troughs you've been through will surely one day become magnificent peaks if you keep putting one step in front of the other.
Balance
Take care always
Thanks a million, I appreciate.
In reality, I have these rant posts when I'm often on edge and need a form of cushioning to get back. I think this is one way I managed to actually help, comfort myself and all that.
We truly need people we can talk to, I don't have a lot of them but I still manage to vent even if it means doing it with a post as this one..
Thanks you for the thoughtful idea about balancing it all out, we truly do need that balance and overall I'm still grateful and appreciative, despite it all.
Thanks for the kind words always, I appreciate them, God bless.
I usually queried people's response of i understand how you feel, the question now is do they? Or its just an expression to make us you feel better, telling me you know how i feel, i should ask you were is your similar scare?...if there's none then i doubt that the feeling is mutual....
We are just use to the i'm fine cliches in life to avoid word wondering around especially when who you are conversing with does not really hold that capacity to help out wether financially or otherwise.....
Stay strong brother
Yeah, they're just cliche replies and nothing too deep. They probably don't understand and they won't. They just say it anyways, just to come off as being courteous.
However I won't blame, we mostly aew guilty of this. We would rather ask people how they are than truly caring for how they truly are..
Most of the time, we learn the hard way. We don't realize how good things are until problems occur. I am glad that you were able to talk to someone about your worries. I think it's good to let it all out once in a while and doing it in real life is better than doing it online.
Thanks, I was truly able to talk with someone, it wasn't planned but deep down, I www relieved I did.
The world does lack empathy and it always will. Unless the condition affects them they usually find it of little interest. I guess when you have something seriously wrong medically it makes it easier to understand others who are suffering is well.
This world is far from perfect and never will be. You are right, you can't win a battle you haven't fought. The world is far from fair as well... But I suppose all we can do is grind on...
It's true, the world lacks empathy, mostly. However, I've been lucky to know some good people in my life, but I've also met terrible people as well. I do think the only way people can actually have empathy is to actually see from the lens you see, if not, the world is indifferent to suffering and pain.
However, there's nothing we can do but keep grinding, hoping and believing. For me, I find my solace in the grace of God and really nothing else.
I have learnt about the intentionality behind asking questions such as “how are you doing "..... While I was younger, I didn't see the need; never saw its importance, until my mum began to teach me and let me see the importance. I remember one time I was down (sick), a friend to one of my friends, who I had never spoken with asked me “how is your health? ".. My God! That meant a lot to me... Ever since then, I have taken it upon myself to always check on people, not to show I'm courteous, but to be intentional about it... Sometimes, I may even go as far as asking twice or three times to be really sure the person is fine.
Your post is really enlightening... Hope you are doing good sir?
In reality, it's only when people have gone through pain that they can understand pain. Most people who don't pain can't show empathy towards pain and that's the sad part of the reality. Although I think there are exceptions in lifes.
Your health situation back then made you appreciate and became sensitive towards a lot of things and if not made you wouldn't have.
Most people who go through things learn empathy the hard way .
Exactly.. 💯
Thanks for sharing
It is not easy to find a listening ear when you are going through trying times. Taking time off from Web2 is probably a very healthy thing.
It's almost impossible unless you have a prior support system. Sometimes people have to naturally find it in themselves to pull through.
It was easy to go off all my web2 social fronts, it felt like I needed to.
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'How are you and I'm fine is a slogan'. Just as you said, most reply is to cut long matters short. Nevertheless, I have true friends that just wait for my 'how are you?' They'll throw it straight, 'I am not fine'. Not actually because I can solve their current problem but because they can confide in me to keep their secret problems while adding needed encouragement or support.