The self curse of control

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Days ago, my mother left for a trip to meet a good brother of mine in Europe. The moment she left, even though I knew I was going to miss her, I also felt a mysterious feeling unlocking inside of me.

See, she was the kind of person who adored her house. She desired constantly to have everything neat, but she did so at the cost of her own peace. It was like she was haunted by an invisible demon, forcing her to clean way too much, and too constantly. But years don’t go by in vain. She doesn't have the energy she once had. Feeling the will, the energy leaving her body with time, she needed help. But, as I have discovered in the course of my life:” You share what you are filled with” so, instead of asking for help, she demanded it, as if trying to place the demon on the shoulders of others.

Perhaps you are battling with demons of your own. When you are bare feet in your own house you feel the urge to put something in them, because in the past you were hardly scolded for it. Maybe you clean too much and too hard because in the past you were forced even by threat of physical and psychological harm, like my mother by my was.

But this is what I found.

Once she left, I felt the initiative to do the things she demanded before on my own, way more easily. It might seem like nothing, but it’s a huge change.

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When you take the role of overlord in a place, the rest of the people are just waiting for orders and not actively looking for ways to help or improve. When you claim “THIS IS MY HOUSE AND MY RULES”, people don’t feel like taking care of something that isn’t theirs. Actively? No, their minds do. Our minds are designed to avoid everything stressful, and if you make the house shores a thing of hate, the minds of your children will also absorb this hate and thus, receive the curse of anxiety from you.

My mother and I shared much before she left. But somehow, she always made me feel that my help or my doings in the house didn’t need any appreciation or even a thanks. My mind always tried to avoid them in turn, or actively ignore everything about them, even if there were obvious consequences, like boiling water or cleaning something. I can see now it was because my mind knows there’s an overlord present and was always feeding the habit of waiting for orders. I feel now strangely unlocked, and now I understand my mom’s perspective.

I have yet to purify myself from the demon of anxiety towards shores, and I am thinking about placing music while I do them.

Have you noticed? When we share this curse of anxiety, we also try to make it feel really bad to others too, and mostly to ourselves. You are always complaining “Why do I have to do this”, “I better do this fast because it feels horrible”, or “I am wasting time here”. It doesn’t even cross your mind how you can make things better, or how you could perceive it in a way that makes you happier, and without noticing you get drowned in your own drama, choking with stress and anxiety, your day completely ruined and filled with obnoxious complaints just because the wind made a little dirt to spill on the floor. It always amazes me… the power of our own minds to create misery for ourselves and the world. Even more, the creative excuses we make to cling to it, not realizing we are just hating ourselves rather more eloquently.

This journey, of purifying ourselves from these learned miseries can take you a lifetime, but it’s infinitely rewarding. You can also reap the rewards if you add some love to your life. Do you need to spite yourself for taking care of your cat or your dog? Of the person you love the most? It is a pleasure. Try to find a way to discover the good in everything you do. While cleaning, feel the love of taking care of all things fill you, even a counter as if it is an extension of yourself. And what if some dirt falls in it? It’s an opportunity for you to feel love, and to take care of something else than your own. Buy yourself some plants, and try to love them too. As you water them, feel how you are helping something grow, thrive, live… evolve.

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It's up to us. I always remember that phrase Galadriel says to Frodo, in the Lord of the Rings:

“This is your ring, Frodo. If you don’t find a way to carry it, no one will”.

Here we are. When we were children we absorbed everything around us, angels and demons. Love and hate. Now we grew, and so did those entities inside of us. Are you willing to shed your hate? your self-despise? your discriminations and anxieties to feel more plenty?

"This is the truth plain and simple. You are the owner of your life and your death. What you do is what you are" Lao Tse.